Of the Manners Born
3/7/2025 - Lynne Robertson
My mother Darlene passed away three years today. Her expressions ring in my ears even now. “Have good manners,” were her parting words every time I left my house for someone else’s. To her, nothing was more important than minding your P’s and Q’s. (What are P’s and Q’s anyway? I looked it up: The expression goes back to Old English pubs as an abbreviation for "mind your pints and quarts." The barkeep tracked patrons drinking totals by marking "P" for pints and "Q" for quarts.)
Now, there was no drink monitoring intended in her reminder, but minding one’s manners was required comportment when we represented out in the world. To Darlene, my siblings and I personified her product. And she wasn’t one to put out anything less than commendable (her casseroles notwithstanding).
Good manners, it seems, have gone out of style. In fact, they’re under assault. Exhibiting them now is seen as a sign of weakness. It’s become normative to talk over others, run roughshod over feelings, take whatever pleases or benefits an individual.
But let’s be clear: it’s manners (and accessories) that separate us from the animals.
I was in a meeting recently where they posted meeting etiquette. It included things like:
Be on time.
Don’t look at your computer/phone.
Turn on your camera if virtual.
Avoid eating.
When did it become necessary to compile a list of what should simply be common sense, let alone common decency?
I left an event the other day, chatting amiably with a fellow attendee when we approached the exit. I stepped aside allowing her to go first. Instead of holding the door for me to pass, she just walked out, slamming the door in my face. Was it something I said? I don’t think so. It was a perfectly polite exchange. I think it just never occurred to her that holding a door open for someone behind you was the right thing to do. Why? Did she never get reprimanded to observe those pesky P’s and Q’s? Maybe it’s because modeling good manners isn’t in the zeitgeist anymore.
You don’t just see it in person; you see it all over the TV and your social media feeds. Discourse has degenerated into insult hurling. Meetings have become turf battles. Polarization feeds algorithms that drive revenue.
The lack of consideration we’re experiencing reminds me of that poem by Robert Fulghum, “All I really need to know I learned I learned in Kindergarten.”
Things like:
Play fair.
Put things back where you found them.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Clean up your own mess.
Say you’re sorry when you hurt someone.
I’d like to make a case for returning to our five-year-old selves, when the rules of engagement were basic and clear, and when being a good person was as easy as Kindergarten. Maybe life and our current conditions would improve. Maybe more things would get done with less animosity. Maybe, there’d be less road rage, fewer verbal altercations in the grocery line and more authentic human connection. If only we just practiced the simple rules of civility — empathy, respect and courtesy,
It might be a massive oversimplification for curing what ails us, but I don’t believe it’s love that conquers all. I think it’s good manners. How much better things would be if we all behaved like we were taught all those years ago? If we:
Honored others and their time.
Listened before we spoke.
Arrived on time or (gasp) even early.
Waited our turn.
So, join me in honoring Darlene’s memory and “have good manners” when you leave the house today. Trot out that old Golden Rule. I’ll bet you’ll be amazed at how nicer, smoother and generally better things go for you.
And I Thank You for reading this. Please feel free to share it with others. Or better yet, maybe try holding the door for someone.